Autism+depression.....a crippling combo.

 Hello,i am now 43..and i have one of the best memories of my entire life,spanning all the way to when i was a baby.....now,some say they wish they could remember,i wished i could forget.my first counselor who seen me at 16,was deeply troubled.she said that i was the first person she met that had truly given up,that i did not see any purpose to life.she was right.after 16 years of watching my mother,father fight,them my brothers..it broke me.it was violent,it was hateful.i saw this world,as many with autism do,as being wrong,as if i did not belong here,as though i was from another world.why do people do such cruel things,is this love?i finally got so numb i could not do any school work.i went from the honor roll to failing.the school counselor did not know how to help.so,ii dropped out.i believe now i probably had two nervous breakdowns in my teens,both resulting from the thick cloud of tension that existed in my family.i stayed in my room,just sitting by myself.
  i never felt warmth.i do not know wither it was the autism or my family.but,this excludes my mother.she was the only light i had in the world.she tried to keep me happy to some degree,but that would be snuffed out in a hour.i never had felt such coldness as when i would walk in after my family had a big blow up.i learned to not be heard or seen if possible.now,i still can not break that part,and it kills me.how do you break a program that you have had for decades?it did not help that i was nearly killed when i was 12.it left me with several neurological problems.i never had true friends.most did not really care to have me around unless no one else was around.
   i have talked and tried to help other parents of kids with autism.i told them we pick up emotion.not words.you can be talking nice,but if your body is saying i am angry,we will be cautious and shy,withdrawn.another thing that annoys me is when i get in a large noisy crowd,i can not focus on one voice,and have actually gotten where i do not hear any voices just noise.and one guy threatened to beat me up,"you stood there and i was talking to you,and when i was asking you something you ignored me,your very unpleasant'.also,i see people in unusual places,and suddenly i do not remember them.and i really can not tell how i fell at the time someone asks,it is impossible.i can not put feelings into words.i know this has jumped around,but,i will try again.......i hope this helps someone.